A random tuesday afternoon

Fear And Dating In Alabama

2011-07-18T07:31:00.001-07:00

So here I am at 43. And I'm watching Sex and the city the movie. I do not want to be a pathetic 40 something. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Unfortunately I don't know where the right places are. I joined a dating website. Yes, I did. Crazy, right? I thought so too. I don't want to do the bar thing. I don't go to church.

So where does an old lady go? A dating website. I've gotten some interesting emails. But how do I tell these guys I'm not just looking for sex? Bluntly. Some have been very open and too blunt about their sexual tastes. Some have not been open at all.

Some are looking for a mom for their kids. Hell no! I had mine. I love kids but I don't wanna start raising kids again. Some want to be a couple after the first email. Umm, hell no! Some feel chemistry through one email. Some are indifferent.

So dating. Wow. What the hell am I doing? I have a bff that I have chemistry with. But he doesn't want to be any more than that. I am totally confused by the single life. Too many crazy pitfalls. Not enough alcohol to help with that.

There is a guy I met through the site that I feel a real connection with. But he lives far away. He's a hot rocker. Long hair, smart, funny, gorgeous. Totally my type. If I had a type. He's way smarter than I am. But we have so much in common it's like I've known him forever. But again, lives far away.

So here I am. The southern Carrie Bradshaw. Without the excitement. And no Mr. Big in sight. Thanks for reading. I hope you got to laugh a little. I am laughing my backside off.

Fibro and other stories

2011-05-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

How many of you have heard of Fibromyalgia? Chronic fatigue? Other invisible illnesses? How many of you have one? Today is May 12th, Fibro awareness day. I have some things to say about it. I'm sure those who read this blog aren't surprised.

I can't count how many times I've been told that my pain is all in my mind. I'm sure I'd be rich if I had a dime for every time it's been said. I've been told that all I need is to eat better. Or exercise more. Or sleep more.

I eat pretty good. I get my veggies, fiber, and other proper nutrients. I do eat a boat load of junk food but make sure I get my regular meals as well. I take vitamins. B-12, calcium, and a multi-vitamin for menopausal women. So, should that help? Of course it should.

I sleep around 8 hours a night. Sound like plenty? It's not a sound sleep. Without meds it's a restless, wakeful sleep. I've had sleep studies done. The only thing found was my REM cycle was twice as long as it should be. I hear a lot of people complain of being "tired." How tired are you? Is it just because you only slept 4-5 hours? Or is it bone deep? Like you haven't slept in weeks? That's how my tired feels. It's like I ran a marathon and haven't been able to sleep in days.

So my fatigue is a bit different than yours. I keep active even with the fatigue. Some people think I'm lazy. Yesterday? I was up at 5 AM. Cleaned my room, fed the dogs, took my dog for a walk, did laundry, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the kitchen, ran errands with my uncle, potted a couple of plants, tried to nap, got back up and helped with the yard, and vacuumed the whole house, swept the kitchen, and more. Still think I'm lazy? It takes massive amounts of determination to do what I do.

Some days I can't get out of bed. Not won't, can't. At one point in my illness I was on 15 different medications. One to get up, one to keep my cholesterol down, several for pain, a couple to sleep, a couple for depression, and so much more. I couldn't afford them so now I'm on 4, one for depression, one for pain, a muscle relaxer, and something to help me sleep.

On top of all that I'm going through menopause. Hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, and more. Still think I'm lazy? Still think It's all in my head? I'm not lazy and it's not all in my head.

I also have arthritis. That can be seen in x-rays and other tests. My joints swell. They get hot. They ache like a rotten tooth all the time. Still think I'm a wuss? Still think I should get a job? Still think I'm lazy? If you do than I feel sorry for you.

I should also mention the fog. I can't remember things. Sometimes it's something as simple as what I had for breakfast. Other times it's entire sections of my life. Sometimes I can't remember how to spell something simple. Or a movie that I just watched. Or birthdays. You say that everybody does that. Yes they do. But not on an epic scale like someone with fibro does.

Fibromyalgia is an invisible illness. One that doctors are recognizing more and more. Research is being done. But not enough. Hell we can't cure the common cold so I don't figure we'll find a cure in my lifetime. And with the zombie apocalypse coming I'm sure they won't find a cure in my kids lifetime. Ha ha.

Yes, I've kept my sense of humor. Without it I may as well lay down and die. But I'm stubborn. On a daily basis I fight with myself because part of me wants to give up. But another part of me wants to do more than survive. It wants to thrive. It wants to enjoy life. It wants to be more than just fatigue and pain.

So there it is. The things I don't want people to know. The things I don't want to define me. But they do. They've helped make me who I am. Survival is great. But I want to do more than survive. So I laugh. I enjoy myself. I push myself beyond my limits. I hide my pain. I hide my fatigue. I do what needs done. I hope this explains to you what it's like to be in burning pain every day. 24/7/365. To live with fatigue that's bone deep and not cured by rest.

Thanks for reading. If you have questions or comments feel free to ask or tell me what you think.

I've been away...

2010-08-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

This post may piss a few people off. But I'm writing it anyway. Be warned: may contain foul language.

When my mom died about 16 months ago, I came to see that life is short. We have to make it what we want it to be.

My head and my heart have been at war with each other for a few years. I've always been who and what others wanted me to be. Had kids, got married, worked hard, and generally was a people pleaser.

After mom died the war between head and heart became more pronounced. What I wanted and needed became urgent. I needed to be alone. I needed to do things my way.

I've hurt people with my recent decisions. It wasn't intentional. They believe I don't care. They believe I'm being selfish. And that I've never wanted them in my life. They're wrong.

I felt suffocated by my life. I needed room to change and grow. So I moved to Alabama to be with family that I haven't spent enough time with over the years. I filed for divorce. I'm looking for a car and an apartment. All for independence. All so I didn't lose my mind or myself.

I'm finally figuring out that I can't please everybody. And that I'm worth more to myself than I ever thought.

With all the drama from my kids, friends and people I considered family it's been hard. But even with the pain I feel, I'm happier than I have been in 25 years.

I'm living a quiet life filled with family, new friends, old friends, and being myself.

I'm accepted here. Even though I'm crude, unladylike, and a general pain in the ass. I'm enjoying that feeling. It's not something I've ever felt before. Even my own children don't accept me for who I am.

The kids want me to be the same woman I've always been. It's time for me to grow and change. They're old enough to understand that but don't want to. Everybody grows and changes. Not always in ways that others want them to.

I'm tired of fighting them. I want them to be happy for me. The same way I'm happy for them when they make an important change or decision. They've been disrespectful, mean, angry, hateful, and ugly to me. I forgive that because I love them.

But I'm not taking their shit anymore. I'm not going back to my husband. I'm not going back to being treated like I don't exist. I'm going to continue to find out what life has to offer. I don't need lectures. I don't need judgement. I need what everybody needs. Love, understanding and support.

If that's not possible from those I love the most than I have to move on. I didn't change my life just to hurt them. I changed it because I was hurting. I was unhappy. I want them to understand that my decision has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.

I want them to know how much I'm hurting because of their perception of my life. I need them to see that these changes are a good thing. I need them to see that I love them no matter what. If that fails then I will have to just keep loving them. And wanting them to be happy. And that I'm proud of them.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being here.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T07:49:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas. During the crazy that is the holiday, hold your kids tight for a moment. Cherish every moment you have with them. If you are with family today, step back and remember how much you love them. Hold each other close. If you don't have anyone today, you aren't alone. You have friends who love you. Including me. Merry Christmas.

Dear Katie,

2009-12-14T16:18:00.001-08:00

Dear Katie,

When I found out I was pregnant with you, my first thought was that the doctors were wrong. I was never supposed to be able to have kids. You were a true miracle to me. You already know what kind of reaction I got from your dad.

He didn't understand how I was going to take care of you. I was young and wasn't sure myself how I was going to do it.

I didn't have any examples of how to be a good parent. I went on instinct. I'm guessing that I did a good job.

You have grown into a young woman that I'm very proud to say is my daughter. We had our share of rough spots, but we got through them.

I can't tell you how proud I am that you are my kid. Sometimes I wonder how I could have had anything to do with you becoming who you are. But I did.

You've never given me a days worry about drugs, alcohol or boys. You didn't always do well in school but I could live with that.

I've never regretted keeping you. Or the things I've had to go through to keep you. You hold the biggest part of my heart. I always feel good when you call to tell me you miss me. Or to share some part of your life with me.

You are my first born and the biggest reason I get up every day.

You make me proud every day. And now that you are an adult, I am happy to be able to say to people that you are my daughter and my friend. I love you. And I'm more proud of you than you can imagine. You really are the very best of me and your dad.

I've said it before, I love you.

Mommy

Thanksgiving...

2009-11-26T06:57:00.001-08:00

I have much to be thankful for this year. I have family, friends, and love. I have the best kids.

It's weird though. It's my first Thanksgiving without my mom. I feel bereft today. It's the first time I'm not scurrying around cooking or getting ready to go help cook. I want to call my mom. But I know she won't answer the phone.

I knew today was going to be hard. It's also the first Thanksgiving without my father-in-law. I miss them both so much.

Especially my mom. She and I talked on the phone every day. She was my best friend. I could tell her anything. And she never judged me. A large piece of my heart is missing today.

I know I won't hear from the rest of my family. They have cut me loose without a thought. My uncle will call. You know from previous posts that he's my hero. But my siblings, step father, and cousin won't bother. My young niece will call.

But without my mom, I feel like I have no family. I'm adrift without her to anchor me.

I love you mom. I love you dad. I miss you both and hope you are happy and healthy where ever you are.

My posts

2009-11-21T11:43:00.001-08:00

I think some of you are missing the point of my posts. I don't write this as a complaint or a plea for sympathy. It's a way to clear some of my emotions out of my head.

I am very grateful for the people I have in my life. I have a wonderful family that I've created. I have a very good life. Of course there is always something missing.

Something that makes me strive to be a better person.

I share a big part of my soul and who I am here. If you don't agree with what I say, that's okay. But please don't make light of my feelings. Because I'm entitled to them. They are mine. I claim them.

I have strong opinions. I have a gay daughter. For her it's not a lifestyle choice. It's a biological imperative. As long as my kids are happy, that's all I can ask for them.

Don't misunderstand how I see things. It's my view of the world. If you have to comment, please don't use the comments to try and change my views or feelings. And don't comment just to try and make me feel bad.

I don't apologize for my feelings or opinions. They are part of who and what I am.

Thanks for reading.

The holidays...

2009-11-16T07:18:00.000-08:00

The holidays are rapidly approaching. I haven't liked the holidays since I was a small child. They just seemed like a waste of time. People being greedy and just as hateful as they always are.

I miss the holidays when I'd bake cookies and things with my Grandma. They were much simpler and were a way for me to escape my usual crappy life. She's been gone 30 years and the hole in my life is still as big as it was when she first died.

Grandma was always one of two escapes from reality. My uncle's ranch was another. I have such good memories of those days. They keep me going when life beats me down.

I woke up this morning after a long night of bad and weird dreams. Dreams of people who've been gone from my life for many years, people I've never met, and people I will meet some day.

I hate nights like those because I feel introspective and exhausted the next day. Certain songs the day after make me cry. They make me angry. And they make me wish I could go back to bed and start the previous night over.

This will be the first set of holidays without my Mom and my father-in-law. Mom's been gone six months, my father-in-law only a few weeks. The closer Thanksgiving gets the less I feel thankful for.

I know I have things to be thankful for, but they seem far and few in between the bad things.

I have a wonderful husband, a couple of beautiful daughters and some really great friends. And I have my cats and books.

What I'd like to have is a day free of physical pain. A day free of the pain that comes with losing loved ones. A day to spend with my daughter that I haven't seen in 6 years. A day to not worry about anything. A day that my family actually cares enough to see that I'm not the enemy. A day to spend laughing with my sister. One more day to laugh with my mom. One more day to tell my father-in-law how much he meant to me. And what an influence he's had on me and my husband.

I know I won't get those things. So I pick myself up and dust myself off. I try to remember the things I have right now.

I have a good life. It could always be improved but it's good none the less. I may not always get what I want but I have what I need.

Thanks for reading.

Veteran's Day

2009-11-11T07:34:00.000-08:00

Today is veteran's day. I really appreciate all the our vets have done for us to remain free.

I would like to focus today on two very special vets. The first one is my uncle. He joined the navy at 18 just like so many others. I'm not sure he realized at the time that he would be sent to Vietnam. He became a seal like so few ever do.

He wound up going to Vietnam. Now I can say I know that it was a very rough war, but I can't really ever know for sure because I was just a baby at the time.

I do know that it changed the lives of so many men and women. We were fighting an enemy unlike any we had fought before. A woman, a child or the man who did your laundry could very well be Vietcong. The enemy wasn't always visible. You couldn't trust anyone Vietnamese.

Too many of our young men and women never came home. My uncle was almost one of them. He was captured and tortured. He was kept in a cage like an animal. Barely given enough to eat or drink. He came home a changed man. The boy he'd been was gone.

In his place came a man with shadows in his eyes and a blackness in his soul. He has never intentionally hurt anyone since then. He's kind to animals, children and women. He doesn't have much patience for stupidity but if you are genuinely having trouble he will explain things as much as you need him to.

I've always had a bad case of hero worship for him. He's honorable, hard working, and will get between you and whatever is trying to hurt you. He's always been my hero and will always be.

The next veteran I'm going to tell you about is a young man. He's a marine. He's honorable and always tries to do that right thing even at his own expense.

He's a neighbor of ours. This man was in a war zone when his young, pregnant wife told him she was leaving him. She was probably too young to handle the duties of a marine wife.

She had the baby and he had to get a DNA test to be sure the baby was his. Now she won't let him see the baby and she's procrastinating on the divorce papers. Recently she came and took everything they had owned together.

I mean everything! Including the used shower curtains and a twenty dollar coffee maker. I don't know her motivation, but I do know how hurt he's been by all this.

I wish I could teach these young wives that marriage takes hard work. It takes a commitment not only to their husbands but to the military. Our soldiers need for us to forget politics and greed and just support them.

I wish I could tell these young soldiers that I care. I care about what they go through in battle. Whether it's on foreign soil or right here at home. I wish I could tell them how proud I am of them. For persevering in both life and war.

Instead, I say thank you for all you do and all that you go through.

My Father-in-law

2009-10-30T11:57:00.000-07:00

The first time I met Dad was at my sister-in-laws house. My then boyfriend and I had gone over there for dinner. I was nervous about meeting them all for the first time. I was soon put at ease by the nicest people I had met in a long time.

After dinner I was sitting with my future mother-in-law and sister-in-law talking. Dad walked up to me and said he had something for me. I wasn't sure what it could be.

He put out his hands which were cupped around something. Next thing I know I have a rubber snake in my lap. I was laughing so hard I couldn't see. I jumped up and proceeded to chase Dad around the apartment and outside.

We were all laughing our asses off! It made for the start of a wonderful relationship with my in-laws.

Dad got sick last week. We knew he wasn't feeling good but didn't think anything of it. On Sunday my mother-in-law called and asked my husband to come over because Dad was really sick. They called an ambulance and Dad, in true Dad fashion, refused to go to the hospital.

Monday morning, Mom called about 4 am. Dad couldn't walk by himself or talk well. They got him to the hospital by ambulance and they checked his blood sugar. It was 1200! It should have been around 200.

They did everything they could for him in the ER and in the ICU. The doctor decided on Dialysis because Dad's kidneys had shut down.

They put Dad on the dialysis machine and he crashed about an hour later. We decided as a family to remove him from the life support system on Tuesday.

From that point on it was just a matter of time. Around 1:00 pm yesterday, Dad took his final breath.

For a man who was healthy and active at the age of 81 this was a HUGE shock to those of us who were closest to him.

He and Mom had been married for 55 years.

He will be missed by so many people who's lives he touched. He was always a positive man and someone we could all look up to and respect. He had honor and a sense of responsibility. He was active in a model railroad club and will be sorely missed by his friends.

He was generous and quick to laugh. He would have given you the shirt of his back if you needed it.

We will miss him. We loved him. He touched our hearts and will stay in our minds and hearts always.

Dear mom, It's me again.

2009-10-25T07:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you. I feel kind of like I've been set adrift in a boat without a rudder or sails.

Things here are okay I guess. Katie is doing really well in school. She recently took her national test for phlebotomy. I'm sure she did awesome. She calls me every day and we text a couple times a day. She's so funny at times. She always makes me laugh.I miss her every day.

I haven't talked to Maggie in awhile. I'm not calling her because phone messages seem to not reach her. I'm sure part of the distance between her and I is the animosity between her step-mom and I. I really miss her. She's growing up so fast!

I know she's singing and doing really well in school. I just wish...I could have been there for her more.

I've made some new friends. One of them, Heather, wrote to you after I wrote to you last. You'd like her. She's strong, loving, smart and funny. Jess is so adorable. She's also funny, smart, strong and loving. I really enjoy talking to them. They always make me laugh and feel smart.

Ted is doing well. His business is going slow but steady. He's been a great source of comfort through my grief.

I miss Katie and wish she could come visit. Unfortunately she won't come visit as long as Ted's niece is living here. She kinda feels like we gave her room away. It was supposed to be a temporary thing, but has turned into a longer term thing.

It makes me a bit angry and I'm uncomfortable sharing my house with her. If she tried to help around the house or if she was working it would be different. She was on probation for having pot in her car while on school grounds last year.

A couple of days ago she came home and announced that she had been arrested. I'm not sure if she wanted sympathy or not. I'm not very sympathetic because she knew her probation officer could spring a piss test on her at any time.

So she failed her piss test. Now she has to go to court and I'm sure her probation will be extended. She would have been off probation the beginning of November. She has also borrowed a couple of my books and ruined at least one that was brand new and hadn't been read yet.

So that's why Katie won't come visit. I wish things would change but I know it will just take time. I'd kick her out but I won't hurt Ted's parents that way.

Some days I don't quite know what to do with myself. I've been having a lot of fibro flares since April. I'm sure they're stress related. I just do what I can to relieve the pain in my body. And the pain in my heart.

I don't miss you with the agonizing chest pain like I did right after you died. Now I can think of you without crying. That doesn't mean I don't still miss you. It doesn't mean I don't still wish I could call you everyday like I used to. I do. I just am having an easier time dealing with it.

I miss the rest of the family. I'm sorry that the promises made to you aren't being kept. I've tried to keep in touch but it's so exhausting to be the only one to make the calls. I do talk to Sara quite often. She's a great kid. I wish she could come live with me.

She's so smart and quick with a comeback. I can see why they all call her little Lisa. LOL She's so much like I was at 14.

All the kitties are doing well. Your Oscar is very clingy these days. I think he's afraid I'm going to go away for for a month again. He's always on my lap being all snuggley and loving.

Well, that's all for now. I love you and miss you. I hope everything is wonderful where you are.

Libraries and Bookstores

2009-10-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

I went to the library yesterday. I was, like always, disappointed in the selection of books. The library system in my area is broken. The selection of authors is small. They seem to stockpile mysteries and romances but not much horror or science fiction/fantasy.

Let me give you a little background on my reading habits. I learned to read early on. I was reading on an adult level by the fourth grade. I also read a lot. I read at least 4 books a week. Not because I have nothing else to do but because I love to read. I always have.

By the fifth grade I was "borrowing" my mom's bodice rippers (romances) and devouring them. I also loved to spend hours in the library. We didn't have much money so reading new books was only going to happen if I checked them out of the library.

So, that's a little bit about my reading habits.

I read a whole lot. So, I'm at the library yesterday and I'm looking for particular authors. Couldn't find them. I've read all of Stephen Kings books. Same with Dean Koontz. So I was looking for something different. Ray Garton or Bentley Little, Laurell K. Hamilton or even a paranormal romance. Couldn't find any of the above. I've outgrown the library system here in Eastern N. C.

On the way home Ted and I stopped at a local bookstore. Fully half the store was romance and para romance. I have nothing against romance novels, but, I was shocked by the lack of horror, sci-fi, and fantasy. They had no selection of graphic novels either.

I love to spend hours in a bookstore. I love the smell of books. The texture of the covers and paper. I get frustrated when I have to go online to order a book. I prefer seeing and touching books to decide if I want to purchase this one or that one. If you are a reader you will understand this post. If you are an author you will understand it as well.

I love books. I love to read. I don't mind e-books but can't afford an e-reader and my laptop can't go everywhere I choose to read. Please support your local library and donate a new book when you can. Tell your bookstore chain that they need a bigger selection of good books.

Thanks for helping a new generation of readers find books they love. And thanks for reading.

Gay Marriage...

2009-10-07T10:21:00.001-07:00

I'm going to weigh in on the gay marriage thing. So if you don't want to know how I feel about it, stop reading now.

I'm a very liberal person. I believe people should be allowed to be who they are. Regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. I haven't always been this way. At one time you could say I was pretty bigoted.

I didn't have an epiphany or spiritual awakening. I just looked around and thought about how I would like to be treated.

I have had many gay and lesbian friends along the way. They are no different from me. We all wanted love, acceptance and to be able to live in peace.

Now everyone is up in arms about gay marriage. What makes you think that gays don't deserve the same happiness as heterosexual couples? The same rights as other humans?

I have a gay daughter. I want the same things for her as I want for my other daughter. I don't want them to live in a world that still hates people for who they are. I want them to be happy. I want them to know it's okay to be different.

I think the conservatives who want to ban gay marriage should think more carefully about civil rights. And how they affected our country some years ago. Blacks not being allowed to vote, eat at the same places as whites, ride the same buses, and legally marry, hurt us as a country.

It hurt us as a people.

Doesn't the bible teach us tolerance? Love? Acceptance?

I may be naive but I feel like we should be able to get along as one human race. I believe in live and let live. I want my children to live in a world where human rights are important. More important than being right politically. More important than needing to hold people back from their true happiness.

What do you think? Tell me. I really want to know. Thanks for reading.

Today....

2009-10-05T07:51:00.001-07:00

Today it's been exactly five months since my mom passed away. It's rainy and gloomy. Seems fitting considering my mood.

I no longer have the feeling of having a boulder lodged on my chest. But I miss her every day. I still pick up the phone and dial her number. I know she's not going to answer but that doesn't stop me.

The other day I was sitting outside reading and a black and blue butterfly swooped in and circled me three times. I felt almost like it was mom checking in on me.

I'm truly glad her suffering is over but the selfish part of me wants her here with me. I know she wouldn't want me to cry and be sad so much. I also know that we had the opportunity to get close to each other in the last ten years. Something I wasn't sure would ever happen.

I no longer have nightmares about her last minutes. But I still have dreams about the talk we had two days before she left us. It was heartfelt and there was no pretending that life hadn't been hard for us. She knew I'd be okay and that I had forgiven her and loved her.

I think that's all that matters now. Thanks for reading.

Fall

2009-09-30T08:42:00.001-07:00

Today is the first day it's really felt like fall is here. I woke up cold. The leaves are just beginning to change and fall off the trees. It's cool and sunny.

It's also a reminder that an entire season has gone by without my mom. It's a reminder that time is passing with a speed I can't comprehend.

Fall always feels like the end of something. It's the end of summer but so much more than that. It's the end of warm rain, beach trips, and magnolia blossoms. The end of days spent in the sun, soaking up the blue sky and warmth.

This year it's also the end of a long painful summer. In the spring I spent 3 weeks with my family taking care of my mom at the end of her life. That was difficult. I have always felt like a stranger when spending time with my siblings. One is older, one is younger.

I never quite felt like I fit into my family. I've always been more outspoken and less willing to take crap from anybody than the rest of my family.

As we've grown up and older, I've felt the distance even more strongly. I grew closer to my mom, but farther from my brother and sister. Now that mom is gone, I feel the loss more strongly because I don't feel a connection to the rest of my family.

Last night I had a dream that I was a child again. I was (I felt) the protector of my families secrets. Not an uncommon feeling for me during this lifetime. Sometimes those secrets have been hard to keep.

How could I have told my friends that one uncle was a pedophile? Or that my mom was an alcoholic? How could I have told anyone that physical, emotional, and sexual abuse ran rampant in my family? I couldn't.

I couldn't tell anyone because I didn't want anyone to know that my smiles were a fraud. My happy go lucky attitude was fake. I was afraid to show them my true self because I knew that they wouldn't understand. And they wouldn't like me.

As I've gotten older, I've come to understand that people will love me if I can love me. If I show people who I really am, they will still care about me. I refuse to hide from anyone ever again.

Thanks for reading. And thanks for caring about who I really am.

Dear Mom....

2009-09-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

Today is one of those days. I pick up the phone and dial the first part of your number. It's one of those days where I miss you more than ever.

I have so many things to talk to you about. I just don't know where to start.

Katie is doing so well at school. You would be so proud of the woman she's become! She's smart, beautiful, and funny. She's become my best friend.

Maggie is also becoming a wonderful woman. She's so smart and strong. She sings and has a very strong faith in God.

I don't hear from Dan, Jeff or Mary. Mary really only contacts me to complain about her life. Uncle Ken and Aunt Caroline have both been working too hard and I don't talk to them as often as I'd like.

I tried calling my father on Fathers Day. He's changed his number and isn't listed. I feel like I am truly an orphan now.

Ted's niece has been living with us. That's not working out too well.

I just wish I didn't feel so alone sometimes. Ted has been really supportive and tries to help me feel better, but some things just can't be helped I guess.

I'm tired. I miss you. I love you. I'm mad. I'm hurting. I miss you. I love you.

I still need you. I still want to talk to you about the silly things. I want to tell you jokes. I want to confide in you like I always have.

I've met lot's of new people. You would like them. Most of them are writers. Which is good since I'm a reader.

That's all for now. I'm sure I'll have more to say at another time. I miss you and love you.

Stress...

2009-09-16T08:42:00.001-07:00

Stress does very bad things to people. It causes my fibro to act up. It gives people ulcers. It makes people do stupid things. It causes headaches. It makes us do things we wouldn’t normally do.

Stress causes me pain. Both physically and emotionally. It’s worse when I can’t fix the problem causing the stress.

I grew up in a very stressful household. We moved every six months and the rules were non-existent. So change is a big stressor for me.

Rules not being followed stresses me out. Things being taken without permission causes me stress. Messing with my books causes me stress. People not caring who they hurt causes me stress.

So what do I do to relieve that stress? I make rules. I make sure I know where things are. I read. I try to make sure life doesn’t give me more reasons to feel stress.

But I can’t always be stress free. Things get misplaced, rules get broken, and others do whatever they want.

Today I’m stressed. I’m in more pain than I should be. I can’t change the situation that’s causing me the most stress.

Some of my books have been ruined by someone who knows better. Something I was saving for lunch today got eaten in the middle of the night. Something else I was saving got taken.

You know who you are. You know that you are doing things that shouldn’t be done. I’m done talking to you. If you’re to lazy to earn your place in my house, than don’t let the door hit you where the good lord split you.

I’m tired of dealing with you. I’m tired of my husband taking the crap from everyone that YOU should be taking. It’s time you took responsibility for yourself.

You are spoiled and lazy. Nobody owes you anything. Especially me. You shouldn’t be my responsibility. And I’m not taking it anymore. None of it.

We’re on a fixed income. I’m not feeding you and paying for your electricity and water. Life is expensive. I paid my dues. It’s your turn.

My favorite squad call

2009-09-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

I was a volunteer EMT some years ago. I loved the excitement and the people. But certain calls stayed with me.

One afternoon we got a call for a 4 year old with a severe cut on his head. We always dreaded the kid calls. We were never sure if it was going to be really bad.

We got to the call and one of our members was already there. A couple of small boys had been playing with a plastic frisbee type toy and one got smacked in the forehead with it. Ouch.

He was bleeding pretty heavily but was otherwise okay. Naturally he was terrified at the sight of his own blood and was kind of freaked out. The squad member on scene was unable to do much except hold the little guy.

When I got there I took him from Hank and placed him on my lap. He was crying. I felt so bad for the poor baby. Hank and one of the other members got the kit and put a bandage on him.

We got in the ambulance and started off for the hospital. I had two small kids at the time so I just started asking him weird questions. Like, did you get hit with a banana? He started to calm down at that point.

I asked him what his favorite song was. He told me and I started singing it to him. He laughed and wanted to know how I knew the words. Before you know it all of us were singing the song and his pain was forgotten.

We always carried teddy bears on the rig for kids. We forgot to give him one because we were having too much fun with him! He wound up with five stitches and a rakish bandage over one eye.

A couple of days after we took him to the hospital another member and I took him a bear. He was so funny! He couldn't wait to show off his stitches!

That was my absolute favorite squad call. Thanks for reading.

Things I've Learned.....

2009-09-10T10:53:00.001-07:00

There are some things I've learned recently. Some good, some bad, and even some funny.

I should never walk barefoot in my backyard. Fire ants don't like it. Spiders will make webs anywhere. Even if I don't like them.

My cats love me regardless of my mood, attitude, and whether or not I can do things for them. They just want to snuggle with me. And they just want to be loved by me.

How I feel and think is more important to virtual strangers than to those I should be closest with.

Quitting smoking is harder the second time around.

My daughter is growing into an amazing woman.

No matter how much physical pain I'm in, I should try doing things myself. Regardless of the outcome.

Sitting on my anger is harder than letting it out. And easier.

Crying is still not going to be easy for me.

Accepting people at face value isn't always going to work. They may not be who they want me to think they are.

Asking "why me?" isn't going to get me any answers. Asking "why not me?" is.

Being kind to people is easier than being cruel.

Certain music is better listened to when angry.

And last but not least, I am my own best friend.

Thanks for reading.

End of summer

2009-09-06T07:49:00.001-07:00

I used to view the end of summer with horror. It meant that school would be starting again. Trips to the beach would stop. And the weather would turn cold. Which was a bad thing for me. I hate cold weather with a passion.

Now I view the end of summer with mixed feelings. Summer is a time to enjoy being outside. Sometimes I'll just sit outside and soak up some sun. Other times I'll stare at the stars for long periods of time. But I could do without the hundred degree heat.

It's a great time to hang out with your kids. Even when they say "but mom, I don't wanna stay home!" They are secretly glad you're there with them. This summer I didn't get to spend much time with my kids. One lives in Florida and the other is away at school.

But when they were younger, summer days were perfect for going to the park. Or having a picnic lunch in the yard. Going to traveling carnivals was lots of fun too.

I always looked forward to them going back to school though. I missed them like crazy but they had to go to school.

Summer is for cookouts, camping, beach trips, and so much more. Now that it's coming to an end, I look forward to the cooler weather. But I'll miss the evenings outside under the stars. And the popsicles, cookouts, walks with a friend, and even the insects night songs.

So I'll see you again summertime. Take your time leaving, but hurry back.

To my family

2009-09-05T17:36:00.000-07:00

I just want you to know that just because I don't show them doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve or every emotion on my face.

I feel the same love you do. I love my kids. I love my husband. I love my pets. I love life. I love to laugh. I love to talk to people.

I feel the same anger that you do. It makes me angry when kids are abused. And when animals are abused. It makes me angry when things don't go my way. Or when I want something and can't get it.

I feel the same pain you do. It hurts when my family treats me like I don't feel things. It hurts that my Mom is gone and I can't talk to her anymore. It hurts when people assume things about me that aren't true. It hurts that I don't get to see my kids the way I want to.

I know people think I'm cold hearted. But I'm far from it. I don't like to cry in front of people. I don't think crying makes me appear weak. I just prefer to cry in private. I use jokes and sarcasm to cover my pain or embarrassment.

I take my emotions and hide them. Because somebody needs to be the strong one. But that doesn't mean I don't fall apart when I'm alone.

This is just the way I am. Don't ever think I don't need you. Don't ever think I don't care. I do. I just choose the way and the how I deal with emotions. Thanks for reading.

An update

2009-09-05T11:23:00.001-07:00

I wasn't going to write about the princess again, but for those who are curious, here goes.

Princess got a job finally and lost it a few days later. According to her, they had hired too many people. Last hired, first fired sort of thing. No more searching has occurred. Not a surprise to me.

She has started school and is supposedly doing well with it. I don't know for sure because I only believe half of what I'm told.Still no help around the house and has to be told it's time to get up. (doesn't hear the alarm most of the time)

Hubby's family isn't speaking to him, but his dad asked him to go to a train show. That part of the situation makes me incredibly angry. Hubby suffers when they treat him that way. They should be angry at me. Not him.

I'm still really pissed at the situation. But I don't say much because it hurts my husband. My anger is trying to drive a wedge between us. I don't want to talk to anyone and feel like my feelings aren't being taken into account.

My daughter would love to come visit but won't because she knows there isn't a place for her to sleep. The situation makes her feel angry and unwanted by hubby's side of the family. I can't exactly blame her for that. Can I?

The more stress I'm under, the more my fibro gives me grief. My physical well being is becoming an issue. I still feel like I should go to Alabama and visit my Aunt and Uncle. But there is no money to do so.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm just stating the facts as I see them. Besides, if I wanted sympathy I'd look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. Ha Ha.

I know my husband is between a rock and a hard place with this. So I don't say anything about it anymore. That's all for now. Thanks for reading.

Body Parts: How I Feel About Boobies

2009-08-31T09:51:00.000-07:00

The title hooked you, didn't it? Good. This post may offend you. It may make you giggle. And it may be too much information. But, I hope it entertains and enlightens you.

I have not always had big breasts. About ten years ago I started having trouble with chronic pain. At that time I was 5' 6" and about 130 pounds. I wore a size 34 C bra. Not big by any means. Just right for my height and weight.

The doctors put me on several narcotic medications, and my activities went down and my weight went up. With me so far? The weight gain was gradual and didn't really bother me. I was healthy even with the chronic pain issues.

That brings us to now. I'm still 5' 6" but my weight has crept up to 180 lbs. Not huge, but still about 50 lbs. more than I should weigh. Now, a short bit about boobies.

Breasts are amazing things. They can nourish children and bring a great deal of pleasure. To both women and men. They even make my clothes look pretty good.They also come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. I love boobies. I think they are beautiful and sexy.

The down side is problems they cause. I'm currently at a 40 DD. You're thinking that's not so bad. Other women have even larger boobs. That is true. And some chicks even get HUGE implants. Why do they do that on purpose? Big boobs are fashionable. They are sexy to a lot of people.

Back to mine. They get a lot of negative attention. People stare at them. Very few people look at my face when talking to me. Annoying. But I can live with it. It doesn't hurt me physically. Just my ego.

Here's the TMI part. When I take off my bra, I feel the weight of them pulling at my neck muscles. I can feel them pulling at the muscles in my back. As a result of the weight I have to sleep in a sports bra. Bleh. Not always comfortable. But less uncomfortable than waking up with back pain every single morning.

I get sweaty, very sweaty under the bras I have to wear. There is usually enough fabric in one of my bras to make a tent. And enough hooks to tie that tent down. There is an awful lot of plastic in the underwire and sides for support. Yuck.

I have had to have two non-malignant lumps removed as well. Frightening but not too much to handle. Having a mammogram isn't a picnic either. They squish your breasts into flat blobs. Owie.

Now to the fun part. Guys get whiplash from glancing at them and then looking again as I go by. It's almost comical to watch as their eyes get bigger and bigger.

I don't hate my boobies but I'm not really friends with them either. Some days I'm glad to have them and some days I'm not. Sometimes I can find a pretty or sexy bra. Sometimes all I can find are bras that remind me of kevlar vests.

How do you feel about boobies? Do they make you giggle when you talk about them? Do you like big boobs or little boobs? Tell me how you feel about them. Don't be shy. Thanks for reading.

What today feels like for me

2009-08-26T13:29:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, I have Fibromyalgia. AKA FMS. I don't have flare-ups very often, but when I do it's hell. FMS is a muscular/myofascial condition. You can find a description on Wikipedia. A very detailed description.

I'm not going to explain FMS in a scientific manner here. What I will do is tell you how it feels to me.

I can usually tell when I'm going to have a flare-up. It usually starts with insomnia. I have trouble sleeping for a week or two beforehand. When I do sleep I don't feel rested. At all. It's frustrating to toss and turn on a regular basis, but it's worse right before a flare.

My fatigued feeling gets worse, and restful sleep becomes a fond memory. It doesn't make a difference to take something for sleep either. So major fatigue is warning one.

The second thing that happens is the muscle pain I feel ALL the time goes into overdrive. My muscles burn, ache, and just hurt. The more physical activity I do during a flare, the more pain I'm in. It's like I'm on fire and there's no way to put it out.

So the third thing is my emotional state. The worse the pain gets, the more depressed I get. I get irritable and whiny. I don't want anyone to touch me, not even my cats or husband. Imagine the worst pain you've ever been in. Now imagine that feeling all the time. Wouldn't it make you crazy?

Thoughts of suicide run thru my head, but I know I couldn't do that to my family or myself. I try to be strong but occasionally lose it and cry. Or get angry, or feel sorry for myself.

I have been on up to 14 different medicines. Narcotic pain pills, sleeping pills, anti-depressants, and other thing. At one point I couldn't function because of them. I quit taking everything in January. Withdrawal was a living hell.

The fourth thing that happens during my flares, is mental fog. Not the kind of fog where you can't remember someones name, but a fog that requires every bit of energy you have to remember things. Things like words, what you did yesterday, and being unable to complete sentences.

Having a conversation with someone who is unaware of my fibro is hard. I forget where in a sentence I am. Even what we were talking about. I get some really strange looks at that point! Like I must be on drugs or something.

There is no blood test, x-ray, or cat scan to diagnose FMS. It's a matter of testing for everything else under the sun and when all those come back negative, the doctor has to decide from there what you have. I have had every blood test, every x-ray, bone scans and other tests done.

I hate it. It's mean and it's ugly. I'm 41 and feel like I'm 81. I don't look sick. I don't act sick. But I have FMS. An insidious, energy sapping, vampire that I can't kill. Thanks for reading.

Grief made me it's bitch today

2009-08-19T13:24:00.000-07:00

When somebody is terminally ill, you tend to think you can prepare for the inevitable. Maybe some folks actually can. I thought I could. I was so wrong.

My mom was sick for so long, I thought I had made my peace with her dying. But last night and today I realized that I had done no grieving.

Instead I had pushed it to the back of my mind and forgot about it.

I held up fine throughout her last weeks with us and during the funeral and everything. But I couldn't cry. It's been 3 1/2 months since she left us. I thought I was dealing with things just fine, thank you very much.

Last night I got mad about something stupid. But it turned into a prolonged session of crying. I finally let go and stopped being the so-called strong one of the family.

Once the tears started I couldn't seem to stop them. I remember that she loved butterflies. And every time I go outside today I see them everywhere. Blue, black and yellow, copper colored wings, and other colors. Everyone of them that I see, sets me off again.

I've heard other people say that she's in heaven watching me, and I'm not sure I can believe that. I'm angry that she left us. I'm sad that I can't call her and tell her how much she meant to me. I'm hurt because the rest of my family thinks I'm okay. I'm pissed that I can't pick up the phone and hear her voice again.

I sat outside last night and looked up at the stars and thought about the fights we had. And the times we seemed to understand each other perfectly. I thought about the day my oldest was born and the day my youngest was born. Mom was with me both of those days. And her face lit up as she held them the first time.

Each memory brings a fresh round of tears. I wish I could put my arms around her one more time. I want to tell her how proud I was of her when she got sober. And how proud I was that she stayed sober for almost 26 years.

I wish she could have watched me get married the first time. And the second. I wish I could watch a movie with her one more time. Or even listen to ABBA with her. (She loved ABBA) I wish she could have been here when my daughter graduated High School.

I know that wishing won't make it so. Nobody is completely ready to lose a parent or loved one. I know I'm not alone. But I feel alone.

Regrets aren't going to help me, nor will wishing. But the tears and hollow feeling will pass and I will be able to think of her and smile. And when I look in the mirror and see her face looking back at me it won't make me feel the crushing pain of her loss.

If your mom is close, hug her. If she lives far away, call her. And tell her everything you want her to know. Tell her you love her. Tell her you miss her. Just tell her.

Thanks for reading.

My blog

2009-08-17T10:15:00.001-07:00

I started this blog as a way of expressing myself after my mom died. It’s tough to go from talking to someone every day to not talking to them ever again. She’s only been gone for 3 1/2 months and today I miss her more than ever. If I had something on my mind she’s the one I talked to.

She never sat in judgement of me or my feelings. She never took my feelings and gave other people hell for them. She always confronted me head on. I never had to make others happy when I was talking to her.

So, that brings me to now. I write the truth as I see it. Not the truth as others see it. Just my truth. It’s sometimes ugly and sometimes it hurts. But it’s mine. Not yours.

If you want others to see your truth, write your own. I don’t write my entries with others in mind. I write them only with my mom in mind. If you disagree with my writings don’t be afraid to approach me and tell me so.

I may not agree with your opinion but I will listen and consider your views. If what I say bothers you on a regular basis than don’t continue to read. But check your conscience. Because maybe what I say means something to you.

I won’t apologize for my views or opinions. If I hurt your feelings I’ll apologize. But you have to tell me, not others who have no control over me or what I feel.

I wish I had another way in which I felt comfortable expressing my deepest feelings. But I feel this is the best way to do it. It’s not easy for me to express myself face to face, otherwise I would.

So here it is for the whole world to see. Warts and all, this is how I feel and think. Thanks for reading.

Online

2009-08-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

I have met some really cool people online. Aspiring authors, published authors, down to earth folks, folks that blog and folks that just like to talk.
There's Zoe E. Whitten, she writes some pretty cool stories. She serialized one recently called Blind Rage. It was about weres. But not your usual werewolves. There was a bear, a panther, a dog, and even a liger. The story kept me going back whenever she posted another chapter. It was exciting and different. And it's getting harder to find something that hasn't already been written. http://ZoeWhitten.com/ is her website. If you can, please do what you can to support her work.
Lyn Thorne Alder also has a web serial going. It's about a school for non-humans. Don't think for a second that it's anything like Harry Potter and Hogwarts. There are demons, a vampire, and a few other unusual creatures. http://Addergoole.com/ is where you'll find it. Read it and enjoy the difference.
I'm currently following another couple of web serials. Above Ground is by Anna M. Harte. It's at http://qazyfiction.com/ It's a great story about a world separated. Above ground and below ground. And there's The Peacock King by Irk and Char. http://peacock-king.infernalshenanigans.com/ I'm just getting into it so I'll let you know how it goes.
There are so many others I'd like to mention but I haven't read much of their stuff. Brett Williams, David N. Wilson, R.K. Charron, Ray Garton, W.D. Prescott, Heather Wildman, and so many others.
I have been fortunate to be able to "chat" with these fine writers on twitter. They all have great voices. You just have to listen. I'm glad I've had the chance to be friendly with them all. I hope that you all can find authors that you find exciting the way I have. Thanks for reading.

Is there really a God?

2009-08-02T10:21:00.001-07:00

The question I have today is this, is there really a God? The bible tells us there is. So do many other books and scholars. But I have questions. Have you ever really watched someone suffer? A child? A parent? A sibling? If you have, then you understand why I question the existence of God. How can children rape other children? And how can parents blame their little girl for being raped? She didn't bring shame down on the family! Those boys did. Why are so many people starving, sick, hateful, angry, evil, and shameless? I watched my mom die slowly over a matter of weeks. No amount of praying or believing in God helped her. She hadCOPD, liver disease, and CHF , and a couple of things that didn't contribute to her death. If you have never felt the struggle to breathe, or have never seen a loved one struggle to breathe than you don't know why this bothers me so much. Mom was diagnosed withCOPD about 8-9 years ago. She quit smoking but it was too late the damage was done. Her lungs looked like she had been living in a coal mine all her life. She began using oxygen and it helped a little. She couldn't walk far or do much that required a lot of motion. She also began a cycle of being in and out of the hospital with breathing problems. She got sick really easy with bronchitis and pneumonia. The last time she went into the hospital she asked to see me so I knew it was probably close to the end. My husband and I made arrangements to go to Indiana. When we got there I was shocked at how bad mom was. Even though I was expecting the worst. My step-dad, sister and I made the arrangements to have her come home and have hospice care at their house. The 3 of us did the majority of the care ourselves. It was so hard changing her diapers, feeding her, bathing her and other things that needed to be done. I really hated the nurses talking about how it was God's will and giving us all hugs like it was a big help. My sister and step-dad were able to turn to their faith to help them deal with things but I figured god wouldn't have let her suffer if he really existed. Mom got further and further away from reality as the days passed. She would do things with her hands like pick up an imaginary brush, put on make-up and other things. She talked to people that weren't there and rarely recognized any of us. One morning around 5 a.m. she woke up and was perfectly lucid. She told us all how much she loved us and to take care of each other when she was gone. She had us call her brother so she could talk to him one last time. She told us how to split her angels up and what to do with the rest of her stuff. She also explained how she wanted to be cremated and where to take care of the arrangements. My sister called the pastor for their church and he came out to the house. I was completely unprepared for him to perform the last rites over mom. I really only thought he would pray with us and mom. It hit me really hard. After that she floated in and out of consciousness for a few more days. She struggled more and more for each breath. She couldn't talk much because she couldn't breathe. On May 5th, the last day, the nurse came over and we talked about the end coming for mom soon. I knew it was coming later that day. I don't know how I knew but in my heart I had a feeling it would be that day. Mom was no longer breathing 80 times a minute and she seemed more peaceful. Not restless or anything. Night came and I got more and more anxious. My sister and I kept counting how many breaths mom would take and the number got smaller and smaller. Sis went outside to have a cigarette and I just watched mom. Finally I watched her take 1 breath and then none. I went to get my sister and my step-dad kinda panicked. After everybody said their final goodbye, we called the funeral home and the hospice nurse. The nurse and I cleaned mom up, removed her catheter and clothed her in her pretty pajamas. The funarel home guys came and got her and we just sat in silence for a few moments. My husband called our daughter to tell her and they made arrangements to come to Indiana. After we made the arrangements for the service there was nothing to do but wait for my uncle and aunt and my husband and daughter. My sister and step-dad made the arrangements more for themselves than according to what mom wanted. The day of the funeral was a day unlike any I had ever spent. It was so surreal. Everything was just off by a hair. My niece and I hadn't cried or anything yet. For a 13 year old she is remarkable poised. The funeral home made sure we had coffee for everyone and little things like that. It was nice to see so many nice people come to see her off. The pastor came and did a short service. Which I hated. I didn't much like him or his manner of doing things. It just wasn't what my mom would have wanted. She would have hated the harp music and the fake tears shed by my step-siblings. She wanted us to remember her with happy memories, not with tears. My uncle and I and my daughter and niece all 4 felt like just leaving and going off by ourselves. But we had to stay and listen to people who barely knew mom say nice things about her. We finally got through it and had a repast and said goodbye to people I'll probably never see again. I couldn't wait to shake the Indiana dirt off my shoes and just be in my own home. I was at my sisters for 3 weeks. I wouldn't trade those last days spent with mom for anything though. I have nightmares about her dying and I miss her all the time. If she's watching I hope she's proud of me and knows how much I love her.

Why?

2009-07-31T12:08:00.001-07:00

Why do I care what you think? Because I care about you. I would hate to disappoint you or upset you. You are my friend. I worry about you. You don't take the best care of yourself. What's that? What do I mean? You drink too much. You smoke too much. You eat too much junk food and not enough vegetables. You drink too much coffee and tea. You don't sleep enough and you don't get enough exercise. I shouldn't worry? Why not? Because you don't want me too? Too bad. I'm going to worry about you. Why? Because you are my friend and I love you.

The rest of the kitty story

2009-07-27T17:24:00.000-07:00

Where was I? Oh yeah. Smokey is finally (after a year+) coming out of his shell. He retreated into himself after we brought him inside. Anyway, he was never one to stand up for himself. He would just let the other cats intimidate him. He'd go hide under the bed. If he had to use the box, he would hold it until he knew he'd be able to go without the others in the same room. He wouldn't eat at the same time as the others either. I have worried about him being so timid. I guess he just needed to know that nobody was going to hurt him. He now stands up to the other kitties very well. He's less intimidated by them. He actually comes and begs for food from my hubs and I! Unheard of behavior for Smokey. Then there's the kittens. Sonny, Gordito, and little Squeaky. After we adopted Smokey another cat showed up in our back yard. She was a little thing, not much older than a kitten herself. We started feeding her and she kept coming around. She was very standoffish. Wanted very little to do with humans. I guess I can't blame her. Like Smokey she was probably treated badly and thrown out when she was no longer wanted. She kept getting fatter and fatter so we figured she was pregnant. Turns out we figured right. Punkin went into labor one hot morning in june. A couple of days before my daughter graduated from high school. For a cat that didn't trust humans she was very determined to have my help with the labor and delivery! I was kinda freaked out because I had never witnessed an animal birth before. We got her set up outside in our storage closet and settled down for a long wait. Pretty soon the first kitten was on his way out. I was completely grossed out. She kept bumping my arm with her head and I finally figured out she wanted me to help the first kitten come out. Ew. It was gross but she wanted me to help so I did. Sonny was born first. It's probably a good thing I was there to help because his big head got stuck and I had to pull him out. Then two more boy kitties were born. Next little girl Squeaky. And then one more boy we named Gordito. We didn't get much chance to name two of the babies because a week after they were born an opossum attacked and killed them. Punkin was frantic! She moved the remaining kitten into my neighbors yard after being unable to wake my husband and I. It was very early in the morning. My neighbor was able to wake us and we gathered up the kittens and Punkin and brought them in the house. The two dead kittens were buried. It was a terrible thing to see. Punkin was scared and kind of panicky. But we managed to calm her down and get her and the babies settled in under the couch. None of the other cats bothered her or the babies. Eventually she got tired of being a house cat and demanded to be let out. So we would let her out for a few hours and she'd come back to feed the babies and clean them up. One day we let her back in and she just wasn't acting right. She got mean with the kittens and especially with the other cats. One night we let her out and she just refused to come back inside. She got weirder and weirder until one day I called animal control. She was acting like she was sick. So we had her picked up. I still think about her. It was over a year ago when she came into our lives. I miss her. She was independent and scrappy. But we have 6 others kitties to love and snuggle. Still, she made a big impression on us all. So that's the story of how I wound up with 6 cats even though I didn't really like them much. Thanks for reading.

the princess

2009-07-22T14:07:00.001-07:00

I get so tired of having to give up my family for somebody else's. For years now i've put my family last. I got to spend 3 weeks with my mom, but, only because she was dying. My daughter can't even come for a visit because my hubs niece is supposedly renting the room from us. Yeah, right. She doesn't even follow my house rules much less pay rent. My rules are simple but the princess can't even lock the front door when she rolls in at 4 or 5 in the morning. Of course I can't do anything about it. It doesn't make any difference if I talk to her about it because she doesn't listen. And then she runs to mommy and nana and grandpa about how mean I am to her. In turn they get pissed at my husband. Of course they've bought her 2 cars, every game system, cell phones, guitars, they even pay her damn car insurance. K.? She gets a couple dollars on her birthday. But she doesn't expect to get anything for free. But the princess and her brother have no effing rules and expect to get away with murder. Like it's their right. A sense of entitlement. That's what's wrong. They feel entitled to these things because they get the impression they are from family. What brought on this rant? The smell of cigarettes, dirty laundry and room freshener coming from behind a closed door! That caused me to have to use my inhaler. I have a mild case of COPD. I'd like it to stay that way. I don't wanna die like my mom. Unable to breathe. But the princess has been told of these things. Does she give a crap? I don't think so. It seems the more I tell her about the rules and responsibilities she has to follow and take care of, the more she metaphorically flips me off. She cries and whines about how she's trying. She's not trying, she's doing whatever the hell she wants and knows I can't do anything about it. Does she smoke in the house? No. If I catch her doing that nothing on earth will keep me from packing her stuff and putting her out. I've tried lovingly talking to her, i've tried being an angry aunt, and I've just plain given her hell. Nothing gets thru to the princess. She thinks life is hard on her. Wah, wah, wah. Life's gonna get alot harder on her if she doesn't start acting her age instead of like she's 10. That's all my bitching for now. Thanks for reading.

My kitties

2009-07-22T10:45:00.000-07:00

I kinda feel like talking about my 6 pet kitties. You see, I've never really liked cats. I thought they were sneaky, evil, and too independant. But my husband and daughter each wanted one so I started looking for a couple of kittens. One of the nurses at my doctors office called me one day and told me her neighbors cat had kittens and momma cat was pushing away the last 2 in the litter. So I told her we'd take them. Little did I know that those 2 little boys would steal my heart. They were only 4 weeks old and still needed to nurse. They were so little and helpless. I brought them home as a surprise for my then fiance. He took one look at them and got infuriated with me. You see our lease forbade pets. I thought he was going to tell us we couldn't keep them. But the more he looked at them, the more he couldn't resist their big eyes and little faces. We left the little guys with my daughter and went to get the items most needed by kitties. Bottles, cat formula, cat box, litter, and etc;. Once we got home and got the boys situated, it was time for my daughter to go to bed. She had school the next day. She begged for us to let her keep the babies in her room overnight. At around 3 a.m. she knocked on our bedroom door and cried for me to take them because they were crying and she couldn't sleep. I laugh about that. I got up and fed them and they settled down to sleep. One under my flannel shirt on my right shoulder and the other on my left. They loved snuggling up under that ratty, quilted flannel shirt. Over the next couple of days we named them Oscar and Felix. Our little odd couple. They were so opposite. Felix was daring, Oscar was cautious. Felix could make the prettiest meow and Oscar's sounded broken. They purred the same way. Oscar sounded like a rusty chainsaw at times. I thought maybe Oscar had been oxygen deprived during birth because of his voice and the fact that for the first 6 months we had him he was clumsy! I had never seen a clumsy cat before. Now they are healthy, happy and my babies. After awhile my daughter acquired another kitten. His name was Ray-Ray. He was black and had long hair. When she first brought him home, he had fleas and worms. He was tiny but feisty. Oscar and Felix wanted nothing to do with this interloper! At first. Eventually he became their baby. He grew into the most beautiful cat. Long, silky black fur, big golden eyes. He and my husband had a very special bond starting when Ray-Ray first attacked his big toe. Which, I might add, was almost as big a Ray-Ray's head! We eventually moved to North Carolina and my daughter went to live with her father in Virginia. But we got to keep Ray-Ray. After we had lived here for a 6 months he got sick. He had a bladder infection. We took him to the vet and got him some antibiotics and figured he would be fine. I mean they don't die from urinary infections. But as soon as we finished off the antibiotics he started having problems urinating. Bad sign. He had crystals building up in his urinary tract. We got some more antibiotics for him and finished them off. Soon he was sicker than ever. Within hours he was kinda out of it and having severe pain. We took him to the vet and there we got the worst news possible. It was going to cost us thousands for his continued treatment. We would literally have to change his sex to female due to the urinary crystals clogging and hurting his penis and urinary tract. My husband and daughter and I were devastated. He was one of our babies and we didn't want to lose him. But we couldn't afford that much money. So we made the decision too have him euthanized. The 3 of us were given time to say goodbye. It was so hard to watch K. and Ted so upset. But the vet allowed us to stay while he was given the final injection. Walking out without him was one of the hardest things we've ever had to do. We were doing ok after that. Just doing life stuff. We still had Oscar and Felix. Ted and I were sitting on our back porch one evening when the most ragged, thin, little cat. He was dark grey and his back was curved in a manner that led us to believe he had been injured. He was staggering and he looked so pitiful I couldn't resist him. We started feeding him and trying to make friends. He was cautious and wary. I figured someone had mistreated him very badly. We continued to feed him and his strength came back. He was still very thin but was getting better. One night close to thanksgiving we decided to bring him indoors. Oscar and Felix were not happy! But it was too cold to leave Smokey outside. Now Smokey is happy, and healthier. He's still thin and his back will never be right but he's coming out of his shell and is safe. I'll finish the stories about my babies in my next posting. Thanks for reading.

Personal Responsibilty

2009-07-21T10:48:00.001-07:00

Why don't we teach our kids personal responsibility anymore? Now it's inner child this and it's not my fault because.... I learned to take my licks and in turn passed that on to my kid. So why does society think it's okay to teach our kids that because life isn't fair they can behave anyway they like. We give them all the things we didn't have because we feel guilty about not being home for milk and cookie time. They don't need the latest game system, newest car, best cell phone, most fashionable clothes. They need our quality time, our rules, our love, and a spanking occasionally. We are afraid to touch our kids. My daughter never doubted my love and affection and she got spanked a few times. She also got hugs and kisses. A lot. I had to work full time in order to buy the basics so my daughter never had the best of anything except me. Why are we afraid to teach our kids the basics of respect, decency, and the difference between right and wrong? Treat others with respect, keep your room clean, do as you are asked. Not only when it's convenient, but always. Life is much easier when we take responsibility for our own actions and when our children can do the same. I couldn't tell you how many times I have wanted to take the easy way out and cry "Life's not fair!" I have rarely met anyone under the age of 30 who didn't feel "entitled" to whatever they want. Work seems to have become a 4 letter curse for this new entitled generation. If I wanted something I always had to work for it. First job? I was 13. I cleaned used appliances. It didn't kill me. Maybe my values are old fashioned but they work for me and my daughter. Don't be afraid to hug your kids and certainly don't be afraid to punish them either. Thanks for reading.

Pissed off, angry day

2009-07-13T11:24:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you are just pissed at the world? Today is one of those days. I can't call my sister to talk about my Mom because Sis will turn the convo around until it's about her. Can't call my Bro because he doesn't talk about stuff like that. My daughter is under enough stress without me adding to it with my crap. And my Hubs and I have already talked the situation to death. There are other things bugging me as well. But I can't say anything about those either because it will upset Hubs and piss off the rest of his family. Screw them! We do something nice for a certain someone (give away my daughters room) and get nothing but shit for it! All I ask is that my house rules get followed. It's not happening. That pisses me off. There's also no place for K to stay when she comes to visit. I really miss her too. It soothes me when she's here. Oh well, can't always get what you want. *sigh* I guess that's all for today. I'm gonna go read a few stories online. I love Zoe Whitten She's a great writer. Her stories take me out of my head and into another world. Hey, it beats doing drugs. Go read something by her at ZoeWhitten.com. It'll make you feel better. Hope it works for me today.

I picked up the phone to call you

2009-07-06T12:18:00.000-07:00

Hey Mom. I picked up the phone to call you yesterday. I almost forgot you were gone. There is so much I want to talk to you about. I talk to you inside my head alot, but it just isn't the same. Katie is thriving in spite of the pressure and stress she puts on herself. She is getting A's and B's in school. You would be so proud of her! I know I am. I haven't really talked to Mary, Jeff or Dan since I got back from Indiana. I'm guessing that all is as good as can be expected out there. I talk to Uncle Ken every now and then, but he's working nights so I don't talk to him as much as I'd like to. Ted is doing good. My kitties are fine. I'm not so fine these days. I thought I was prepared to lose you. I knew you were sick and that you wouldn't be around much longer. In spite of that, I am not dealing with your loss too well. It wasn't until a few weeks after I got home from Indiana that I finally broke down and cried. I wish I could have helped Mary and Dan go thru your things. I think it would have made a difference in how I grieve for you. I'll be okay, I'm just feeling down today. I've been carrying your 1 year token from A.A. with me everywhere I go. I remember giving it to you 26 years ago. I was so proud of you when you got sober! The token is a way I can feel close to you. I have a picture of us at the meeting accepting your 1 year cake together. I really miss you Mom. I get angry sometimes because it doesn't seem like we had enough time together! But you were suffering. That has stopped. And I'm grateful for the time we did have together. I miss you and love you Mom.

An Open Letter to My Daughter

2009-06-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Maggie,
I know you aren't ready to hear this yet so I'll send this to you someday. I just have to get it down in writing. I so wish I could go back in time to before I conceived you. I would have chosen your father with more care. I was young and had a 2 week old baby when I met your dad. He was handsome and charming and accepted that your sister was around. It didn't take long to fall in love with him and I thought he had fallen in love with me. We were together as much as possible. My mom hated him. But I didn't care. I became pregnant with you and things changed. Your father was hard to get in touch with. More and more I couldn't reach him. Then I found out he was seeing someone else. The emotional upheaval caused pre-term labor so I had to quit my job and stay on bed rest. (I'm sure I was no picnic to be around, so not all the blame is on Daddy for that.) I sent your sister to live with her grandparents while I struggled to pay bills and keep from losing you. Eventually you were born early and I didn't call your dad when I went into the hospital to have you. I was very angry at the time. I was so excited to have 2 baby girls. I named you after 2 women I admired very much. My great-grandma and Katie's grandmother. I tried to let Daddy see you as much as possible. When you were a couple of weeks old you got very sick. You were admitted to the hospital and were there for 3 weeks. That was a scary time for me. I felt very alone. I needed your father around but he couldn't be there for us. Eventually he and I got back together. I moved from Virginia to New Jersey to be with him. I left your sister behind at her grandparents. Things were going pretty well for the 3 of us and we moved into an apartment. I eventually found a part-time job and you were being watched by friends of your dad's. Then came the day that your father decided to "do a favor for a co-worker/friend." The favor was taking her daughter to her senior prom. The daughter had been babysitting you off and on for awhile. I was against the prom idea because your dad was too old to go to a high school dance. 26-27 is too old for the prom. I was up almost that whole night waiting for him to get home. I was angry and upset. I drank too much and got belligerent and mean with your father. On that sunday, (mother's day) I was so upset that it was suggested that I check myself into the hospital. I was there for 2 weeks. By the time I got out your father had decided that he no longer wanted me to live with him. I took you with me. We wound up staying with his friends Kim and Tommy. They took us into their home and made us a part of the family. I also saw the prom pictures for the first time. It was obvious that dad and Angela weren't just friends. They also had you dressed like her. I was hurt beyond reason. All I wanted to do was move back to Va. I couldn't. Your father took me to court for custody of you. I fought him tooth and nail! I wasn't going to give you up without a fight. I eventually got married. The wrong man again... Your step-father had problems that nobody knew about. Eventually your sister came to live with us and I got a really good job and things were ok. I joined the local cheerleading association and coached. I also joined the rescue squad. I finally at 27 years old felt like life was going to be good. And it was. Except for the court battles. DYFS came to my house several times. The police got involved in our exchanges. We would exchange you at the firehouse so that we couldn't get into a fight. We fought anyway. Eventually I found out that your step-father had a fetish. He was into bondage. I found pictures of my feet tied together with ribbon and some magazines. You and your sister had found them as well. I had to go out of town to a funeral and you and your sister stayed behind with the step-father. He punished you for laughing (spanked you) while I was gone. I decided to talk to your father and your sisters father. I needed to leave my husband but had gotten so far in debt because of some things your step-father had done that I couldn't take care of either of you financially. So for a temporary solution I wanted you guys to live with your dads for awhile. K's dad was fine with the arrangement. Your dad wasn't. It had to be a permanent thing for you to live with him and Angela. I put aside any foreboding feelings and told him I accepted his offer. But I had to have free reign to see you. Anytime. He agreed. I tried to become friends with Angela for your sake. I thought things were going well. K came back to live with me and I got re-married to the right man this time. When you would come over you would tell us how mean and strict Angela was. You and K would have conversations and K would say things to you about Angela. K tended to get treated as though she were much older than she was. We all got to be good friends. We went to concerts, and even Disney World as a very large family. By this time you had a younger brother and sister by your dad and Angela. Life was pretty good. One day K said something about Angela in response to something you had said. She called her a bitch. At 14 K was too young for Angela to react the way she did. I had to make a choice. It was either defend K or just let it ride. I defended. She was 14 and Angela reacted like she was 20. Angela quit talking to me and even trying to co-lead your scout meetings had become impossible. If I wanted to have you come over to visit I would be told that your schedule wouldn't allow it. You were too busy. I would call to talk to you and get the answering machine. You never got your messages. You thought I had taken sides but I just wanted to be a mom to both of you. A few months after this fight between me and your step-mom, your father called and wanted to talk to me about letting her adopt you. That was the last thing I wanted but felt I had no choice in the matter. Yes it was a mistake. I can only apologise for what you think I've done to you. I have done everything I can for you. I was told that I would still be allowed to have a relationship with you so I agreed to the adoption. Little did I know that I would be shut out of your life completely. Now here we are 5 years later. You feel that I have abandoned you but that is the furthest thing from the truth. I have regretted letting the adoption happen. As well as other things I done wrong with you and your sister. That brings us to the latest in our saga. You feel hateful to me. That's fine. You can blame your sister and I for everything that has gone before. No problem. But until you can approach me with an open mind and believe that there are 2 sides to every story, I can't keep going back and forth with you. You can't keep telling me it's entirely my fault for the way your life has turned out. I did the best I could. And I'm sorry. Every parent does the best they know how. And I did exactly that. You can do what you need to but know that I will always be here. Waiting to hear from you. I love you then, now and always. Mommy

Fathers

2009-06-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

Fathers day was yesterday. I called my Uncle and wished him a happy day. He is the only father I've really ever known. My biological father divorced my mom when I was only 6 weeks old, and then disappeared. I didn't see him again until I was 25 years old. I thought that once we got back in touch he would not want to lose touch with me. Boy, was I wrong! When we'd talk he wouldn't listen to what I had to say. He just bragged about my step-siblings. I kept thinking to myself that things would change and he would see me for who I was. Wrong assumption. He never got my last name right on anything he sent me. My address either. And then my step-brother disappeared. It was drug related but Dad and his wife refused to believe it. He's been missing now for about 6 years. Dad called me on my step-brothers birthday to wish ME a happy birthday! That was a very hurtful thing. I was so mad at him. I guess being last in his life was the only place he had for me. I have always made an effort to give him my address, phone number and last namebut he still can't get my last name right. He sent a card to my husband and I that had my ex-husbands last name on it. Creepy, I know. That was kind of a last straw thing. So I tried to call him yesterday at the last number he gave me and It's been disconnected. So ends my aborted relationship with him. I found him 16 years ago and I am sorry I ever looked for him. His wife and step-kids can keep him. Thanks for reading.

Comics.com Daily Strip Widget (160x300)

2009-06-17T06:40:00.001-07:00

It's Tuesday again.

2009-06-16T14:06:00.000-07:00

It's tuesday again and it's another rainy day. I wish it would stop raining for a couple days. I can't believe it's been 6 weeks since my Mom died. Every day I wish I could call her. Everybody tells me, you can still talk to her. But it's not the same. I find myself choking up at weird times. Like when I hear a song I know she would like, or remember something I want to share with her. Something cute the cats did or some new reason I'm proud of my daughter. I know I whine about this alot but I wasn't ready for her to go. I told her I was going to be ok but I am so not ok right now! I'm angry. There were so many things I wanted to tell her. And so many things I wanted her to tell me. She didn't see me get married. Not the first time and not the second time. She saw my sister get married twice. But most of all I wasn't done being her daughter! I needed more time with her. We were supposed to write a book together about her life. I'm pretty sure I won't get her journals so I could do that now. The rest of my family have barely talked to me since the funeral. I'm too outspoken. They don't want to hear my opinions, or my advice even if they ask for it. It's misconstrued as trying to tell them how to live their lives, how to raise their children. I get f**king annoyed by that. Don't ask if you don't want to know what I have to say. I will be truthful and sometimes even harsh if the situation calls for it. I guess the point of all this rambling is that I miss Mom and would like to share my grief with my siblings and step-dad. I have a knot in my chest because I can't share this with my sister. Thanks for reading.

Fibromyalgia as I know it

2009-06-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

I have Fibromyalgia. To those not in the know, FMS is a muscular pain syndrome. There is no test for it and no cure. My journey toward diagnosis with FMS started about 8 years ago. But my entire journey with it started as a small child. I always had trouble sleeping. Sometimes I had insomnia and other times I slept 10 to 16 hours a day. On those days nothing could wake me up including my kids. I had pain in my body that no doctor could explain except to say I was having growing pains. As I got older I could ignore the pain and fatigue. I was active and had alot going on in my life. I worked full time, was a mom, and rode with a rescue squad at one time. I was always on the go. I hit my 30's and thought I was just tired and in pain because I was so busy. Turns out not to be the case. I divorced, went on working and re-married. My kids were unhappy because sometimes I couldn't bring myself to do physical things with them. I had no energy to do anything. Finally I started the round robin of doctors trying to figure out why I hurt so bad. Blood tests, physical exams, x-rays, MRI's, and scans of all kinds consumed alot of my time. I took muscle relaxers, narcotic pain medicines, antidepressants and sleeping pills. Went to physical therapy. Heard from friends that it couldn't be as bad as I made it out to be. I was lucky to have the support of my husband during this time. My doctor was very supportive as well and that made a huge difference in how I approached the search for answers. I now know that as well meaning as the doctors were then they had me so doped up on meds that I could no longer function well. In January 2009 I lost my prescription coverage. I went through withdrawal from morphine, antidepressants, and sleeping pills. I never want to feel like that again! I am more awake now, and my pain is barely touched by ibuprofen but I kinda feel better. Fibro isn't my friend and I'm not having an easy time of it but I can think now. I can remember what I do now whereas before I couldn't remember day to day. I still take an occasional muscle relaxer. If I didn't I would be of no use to myself or anyone else! I also don't sleep well enough. But I am stronger than I thought I could ever be. And that's enough for now. Thanks for reading.

Politics

2009-06-13T10:56:00.000-07:00

You know, I was thinking about politics today. I guess I would be considered a liberal. But don't hold that against me. I love my country and support our military. So does being a liberal make me a bad person? To hear some conservatives tell it you would think I was a baby killer. I mean really people. Liberal does not equal stupid or blind. I know our country is in crisis. I know we have to make some changes to make things better. I haven't forgotten that our leaders (plural) have screwed things up. Something else I know, things didn't get this bad just since January. It's been happening for a long time. Several presidents have been in office during the time it took to get this bad. How many conservatives voted for Bush Sr.? Clinton? Bush Jr.? It is very much time for a change. Broad, sweeping change. Yes, President Obama is black. Yes, his father is African. His mother was born in America. So was he. Unless Hawaii is no longer one of the 50 states? C'mon folks. You all voted and lost. Stop the complaining. At this late date it sounds like sour grapes. Did you blame the Great Depression on the single president in office at the time it happened? Nope. It was alot of peoples fault. So, until your Congressmen, Senators and the like do the job they were elected to, and until the next election, get younger voters attention! Don't just sit around and gripe! BE the change you want to see. Everyone can make a difference, just by doing something. Volunteer, feed the homeless, read to a classroom, teach someone something, and, please stop crying. You sound whiny. Write letters, send e-mails, and participate. It will make a difference. But don't whine, we are a democracy, use your rights given to us under the constitution to spread the word about your candidate. Run for office yourself if you think you can make a difference. Create a blog, write to your local papers, and write letters to the President, but please stop bitching. You can't accomplish anything by that. Do, or don't. Those are the choices. Thanks for reading.

Family

2009-06-11T12:17:00.000-07:00

Wow. Just wow. Have you ever felt like your family was not blood related to you? Today is a perfect example of that. My sister (promised my Mom before she died I'd stay in touch)has only once come for a visit to see me. I, on the other hand have gone to see her (and the rest of them) many times. She even left to go home early. I get so confused by the fact that she never lets her kids come visit either. Her husbands family gets the visits and to see the girls but not me. Hmmm.... If I was paranoid I would think I was just here for her to talk to when she needs something. Like familial support, or a shoulder to cry on. I feel used sometimes. I am the so-called strong one in the family so my feelings don't count? I guess it's a matter of perception. I perceive that I'm only good for some things, so I should change my perception of this situation. Bulls**t psychobabble. I am nothing like her but she doesn't know me well enough to know that. She only thinks we are alike. We don't look alike, we don't act alike, we don't even look like we are related. It kind of sucks. I hate that I can't talk to my sister about what bothers me because she wouldn't understand my point of view or where I'm coming from. Now that my Mom is gone it's me and my uncle who are left to be family. My cousin is in that family too but my siblings, step-dad and others aren't. I feel lost without my Mom to talk to. Almost like I may explode if I don't call her to talk. I know I could still talk to her but it's just not the same. Well I guess that's all the whining for now. Thanks for reading.

Friday

2009-06-05T10:31:00.000-07:00

Today is June 5th. It's been a month since my mom died. It's been rough but it seems that I can think about her without crying. Which is good. Right? I just feel kind of numb most of the time. Which isn't good. I've been reading and listening to alot of music and I'm on the computer alot. I've also been having alot of trouble with my Fibromyalgia. My whole body aches and I can't sleep much. I guess once I relax a bit I'll feel better. I know that isn't true but a girl can dream, can't she? I don't really have much else to say today. Except thanks for reading. ;)

People that don't think

2009-06-01T13:25:00.000-07:00

Something I am not very fond of is folks who don't pay attention. And then they act like they are offended by what you say. Get over yourselves. I do what I think is appropriate and smart. Not what the rest of the lemmings are doing. I live my life by a set of rules and ethics. They just happen to be mine not yours. I have a code of honor.
I didn't learn my code from my parents or teachers. My parents weren't there when I was forming my personality or inner self. My teachers were ignored by me. Mostly because my attitude stunk when I was in school. My Uncle had alot to do with helping me form my personality. He was the only adult that took the time to listen to a kid with a crappy attitude.
I refuse to be a lemming or jump on a bandwagon just because it's "cool". I do things my way, with honesty and respect for others. I choose to do things the hard way sometimes because the good things don't always come easy. So world, what are you gonna do about that?
My rules are as follows:
1. Don't be mean just for the sake of being mean.
2. Be honest.
3. Leave your mind open, something good might fall in.
4. Treat others like you want to be treated.
5. Don't hurt animals.
6. Don't do it just because everyone else is doing it.
7. Do one nice thing for someone else everyday.
8. Try to learn something new every day.
9. Don't cry over something you cannot control.
10. Don't hate because of skin color or birthright.
That's mostly what I am about. I have tried to teach my daughter those things. I try to share those values with others but don't expect them to change because I said so. I try to be an individual and am now passing my knowledge and so-called wisdom to my nieces. My daughter is a fully formed adult and now can be who she's gonna be.
So in closing I say, If you don't like me, too bad. Thanks for reading.

Saturday afternoon

2009-05-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

I think I'll talk about my mom today. We always had a very contentious relationship. From the time I was born until she died on May 5th. When I was young it was because of her drinking and abusive nature. As I got older and became an adult it was still about that but so much more. I was too hard, I was too soft, I was too much of a bitch, etc;. I couldn't be who or what she wanted me to be. Then in the last 8 years or so things changed between us. We got to be friends.
It was weird having a friend type relationship with her. It was confusing. It was nice but weird. I have to remember that I can't call her anymore. For the last 6 years we have talked on the phone every single day. Sometimes more than once a day.
I spent the last couple of weeks of her life with her and my family. Watching her die slowly was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Watching anyone suffer is hard but when it's your mom or family member? Worst thing ever!
Changing her diaper, emptying her cath, watching her struggle to breathe, watching her try to remember us, talking to the nurses, wishing I could help her in some way, but feeling helpless, it's the ugliest thing imaginable. There were days when I considered giving her a little too much morphine but couldn't do it. She would hallucinate that my grandfather was there, and she would talk to people that were long dead.
She called us all together one morning, about 4:30 or 5:00 a.m. and wanted to tell us how to split up her stuff. She was lucid and quite clear about her wishes. She even told us she wanted to be cremated and where we should send her body for cremation. She wanted to talk to everyone while she could still be clear and understood.
The night she finally died was just another night spent taking care of her. My sister and I spent the day counting how many breaths per minute that she was taking. Mary went outside for a minute and Dan and I were just watching the t.v. and mom. I kept looking at mom because something wasn't right. Her breathing had slowed down to only a few times a minute. Pretty soon she quit breathing. Just like that she was gone and we were left to grieve.
Dan kind of panicked when it happened. I just felt numb more than anything but there was some relief added to the numbness. She finally looked like she was at peace. She wasn't laboring for every breath and she was no longer in pain. It was so surreal helping the hospice nurse clean mom up for the funeral guys to pick up. It only took about two hours from dying to leaving with the funeral guys.
It was so strange and the funny thing is that it still has the quality of a bad dream. I have been having nightmares about her being ill and dying. I guess it's because I haven't really let myself go to pieces yet. It's been almost a month and for some strange reason I feel like I still have to be strong. I know I don't but can't seem to let go and just be sad. Maybe because she wouldn't want me to be sad or unhappy. I just don't know.
I still wish she were here so I could call her one last time.
Thanks for reading.

It's Tuesday

2009-05-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

Hello folks. It's Tuesday again. I haven't written anything in a few days because there hasn't been much to write about. I would like to bring a little more attention to our military men and women if you don't mind. My uncle was a navy man. He put in his 20 years and then retired. He went to Vietnam a boy and returned a man with some problems. He was a POW. He came home and spent a year in a navy hospital while he was treated for what eventually became known as PTSD. It's been 40+ years since that all happened. He is okay now. Not completely back to normal but he will never be like the idealistic kid who went overseas to war. His wife is still woken occasionally by the feel of his hands around her neck or because he's prowling the house in the middle of the night because the vietcong are nearby. I would love to take those horrible things away from him but I know I can't. He's my hero. He took care of me when my mom was unable to. He taught me that life may not be fair but we still have to make the most of it. He also taught me that a father isn't always the man who donated the sperm for your creation. He taught me that fishing and hiking aren't just for boys. Neither is post hole digging and fence repair. Most animals are our friends. Except certain horses. Pigs are delicious. The slaughter isn't pretty but the meat is good. He taught me that being afraid is for everyone, not just for girls or sissies. He also taught me that hard work never killed anyone. And for all those things, I thank him. I thank him for being there when I was afraid of the dark, lizards, snakes and spiders. Thanks Uncle Ken. I love you.

Getting old

2009-05-23T09:42:00.000-07:00

Hello again. It's my daughters 19th birthday today. I am not going to get too maudlin on you but it does seem like just yesterday she was a newborn. It also seems like just yesterday I was still a 22 year old kid. But it's not just yesterday, it's been 19 years and I'm now middle-aged. How the hell did that happen? I glanced away and the years flew by. I'm gonna call my daughter Babe for the time being. I call her that sometimes. So Babe is sad today because it's only been a couple of weeks since her Grandma died. I'm sad too because I know my Mom would be so proud of her. :( Well, Happy Birthday Babe! Mommy is so proud of you! Thanks for reading.

Stuff and Junk

2009-05-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

Hello all. Today not as bad the last few have been. No arguments with kids or my sister. (yet) My puddy cats are all sleeping. (unusual for all 6 to be sleeping at the same time.) I'm just hanging out today. It's kinda nice. My knee hurts but I just got a cortisone shot in it this morning. So, boring day. I have been on my facebook page and looking at my twitter and the world is out there. Just having Fibro makes some days impossible. I would like to go do something really physical like go back to school for my EMT certification. Alas, it's very physical and would cause me to have a flare-up. I can just do what I can. Gotta keep remembering I have more to offer than just lifting and carrying. I have a mind as well. And it works pretty good since I quit taking the poisons that the docs called medicine. It's also been 1 year today since I quit smoking. Yeah me! If I can do it so can so many others who think it's impossible. Thanks for reading. ;)

Not Tuesday Afternoon

2009-05-20T11:12:00.000-07:00

Here we are again. It's a wednesday and it's getting cloudy out. My question for today is, what do people get out of hurting other people? It makes no sense to me. I try hard to always do the right thing. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. But, and it's a biggie, but some people just have to keep coming at you when it doesn't work out. Just a word of advice to those who hate because they can, leave it alone. People make mistakes. It happens. Move on and stop teaching kids the hate and vitriolic spew you teach. I can't change what I've done but I can change what I do now and learn from my mistakes. So everyone that thinks they have never done anything wrong, think again. Your shit does stink. You do make mistakes. And I am not evil incarnate. Just a little left of center. :) Thanks for reading.

Bitten By Books

2009-05-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

I love the site for Bitten By Books. Always alot going on for readers of paranormal stuff. :) And the contests are usually pretty kick-ass! Check this one out, http://bittenbybooks.com/?p=7492 Good luck all. See you later with a new post. Thanks for reading.

It's a random tuesday afternoon.

2009-05-19T13:41:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday again. Yeah I know. Who cares. It's my husbands birthday today. He's always been such a great support for me no matter what happens. I'm glad I gave him my number all those years ago. I needed a friend when I was divorcing my first husband. Ted has been a rock thru custody battles, family feuds, and so many other things both good and bad. Like the past month while my mom was sick and then when she died. Now my youngest has decided that I don't care about her. It's been a nightmare with this child since she was conceived. Early labor, bedrest, nightmarishly long labor, custody fights, you name it she's been there. I can't decide if her father was Satan and she's demonspawn or if she's just like me. Scary thought. I know. I am at my wits end right now. I guess all I can do is be here if she changes her mind. Hope it doesn't take too long. I guess it's up to her now. I miss my mom. We used to talk about these things. Now I blog. It's nice but not the same. Hey, thanks for reading.

Kids

2009-05-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

Why do our children never understand our sacrifices? I am talking about older children. One of my daughters has decided I have never done anything for her. Ever. I have a stack of court papers from fighting her father and step-monster. I also have done everything in my power to make sure I stay a part of her life. She's told me in no uncertain terms that there is no room in her life for me. Wow.... What do you say to that? All I could say to her is that I love her and I will always be here for her. And that there are always 2 sides to every story. Actually 3 sides, mine, his and the truth. All I can hope for is that she will come around and be a part of my life. Regardless of what her other parents say or do. Thanks for reading.

A rainy sunday

2009-05-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hello again. So many things are going thru my mind that i'm not sure where to start. It's a rainy sunday afternoon here. I'm listening to some very hard rock. Everybody (Hubby and cats) are sleeping. Today my step-dad and sister picked up my mom's urn full of ashes. I'm not sure how I feel about her hanging around like that. She would rather be spread out over the mountains I think. I got a lovely poem from my daughter Kate with a copy of mom's obit. I'm not sure who wrote it but it says so much about who my mom was and still is. Here it is:

When I'm Gone
When I come to the end of my journey
And I travel my last weary mile,
Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned
And only remember the smile.
Forget unkind words that I have spoken;
Remember some good I have done.
Forget that I ever had heartache
And remember that I've had loads of fun.
Forget that I've stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way.
Remember I have fought some hard battles
And won, ere the close of the day.
Then forget to grieve for my going,
I would not have you sad for a day.
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember the place where I lay.
And come in the shade of the evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west.
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember my best.

That sums my mom up in the best way I know how. She loved life and was a lot of fun until she got sick. Now she's finally at peace. And that's what matters.

Another rant about exes

2009-05-15T19:01:00.000-07:00

I wish that things could be simpler. They never will be though. My ex has my daughter convinced I didn't try hard enough to keep her. How is that for general crappiness? Why do we hold our children hostage to our own petty issues? Why do we teach them openmindedness and equality but on the other hand show them that it's ok to hate? What is wrong with us as a society when we don't practice what we preach and then punish our kids for it? I am so tired of paying for someone elses madness. This too shall pass I guess. "sigh" Thanks for reading.

Exes and kids

2009-05-15T14:18:00.000-07:00

Why do exes give us such a hard time and use our kids as weapons? My mom died on May 5th and my ex is giving me shit about a fight between my daughters. One is 19 and the other is 16. They don't live in the same state but have stayed in touch. Today they fought because of me and one of the step-monsters. My youngest has been brainwashed into thinking that I am the devil incarnate. My oldest feels the need to defend me. It's been a mess since he and I split. The girls are being raised totally different. One has the freedom to be who she's going to be and the other is being stifled and treated like she's going to go wild any second now. Watched like a hawk. Very sad. What's even worse is the fact that I have no say in the youngest one's upbringing. All I can do is be on the sidelines and watch. Frustrating as hell! I want to go to florida and kick somebody's ass! Can't go but I so want to. Thanks for reading.

Thursday

2009-05-14T13:02:00.000-07:00

Today is thursday. I know, I know, BFD. I am in the middle of reading a book with the title Chicks and Chained Males. It's not what you think! Get your mind out of the gutter! It's a collection of short stories about strong women/warriors. Women in chainmail kind of stories. I love to read anything and everything but scifi and fantasy will always be the main things I read. It's tough to be a 40 something girlgeek. Tee hee. Ok it's not that tough. Somedays I wonder if I'm not turning into a stereotype. You know, the middle aged catlover that is a few pounds overweight and likes the same kind of music that was cool in her high school days? Maybe, maybe not. After all my 19 year old daughter and 13 year old niece think I'm still pretty cool. So it must be that they don't want to hurt my feelings or they really do think so. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday

2009-05-13T08:11:00.000-07:00

I have 6 cats. Boring right? Not really. It's like having 6 toddlers in the house. Oscar is getting picked on, Felix wants attention when the others get it, Smokey is just trying to stay out of the other guys way, Sonny is a biter, Gordito is in dire need of neutering and Princess Squeaky is a little brat. Only one female kitty and she rules the house! They are definitely alot of effort. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Mind you, i'm not a big fan of cats. I would prefer a dog but these guys keep me entertained and love me so I guess i'll keep them. Thanks for reading.

New Blogger

2009-05-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

This is my first blog post. Hopefully as time goes on we'll become good friends. It's tuesday, and tomorrow will be one week since my Mom died. It's tough not to pick up the phone and call her. For the last 5-6 years I have talked to her on the phone everyday so not being able to call her is weird. I have other people to call and talk to but it isn't the same. I guess it will be awhile until I can pick up the phone and not call her automatically. Like they say (whoever THEY are), this too shall pass. Thanks for reading.