Fear And Dating In Alabama

So here I am at 43. And I'm watching Sex and the city the movie. I do not want to be a pathetic 40 something. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Unfortunately I don't know where the right places are. I joined a dating website. Yes, I did. Crazy, right? I thought so too. I don't want to do the bar thing. I don't go to church.

So where does an old lady go? A dating website. I've gotten some interesting emails. But how do I tell these guys I'm not just looking for sex? Bluntly. Some have been very open and too blunt about their sexual tastes. Some have not been open at all.

Some are looking for a mom for their kids. Hell no! I had mine. I love kids but I don't wanna start raising kids again. Some want to be a couple after the first email. Umm, hell no! Some feel chemistry through one email. Some are indifferent.

So dating. Wow. What the hell am I doing? I have a bff that I have chemistry with. But he doesn't want to be any more than that. I am totally confused by the single life. Too many crazy pitfalls. Not enough alcohol to help with that.

There is a guy I met through the site that I feel a real connection with. But he lives far away. He's a hot rocker. Long hair, smart, funny, gorgeous. Totally my type. If I had a type. He's way smarter than I am. But we have so much in common it's like I've known him forever. But again, lives far away.

So here I am. The southern Carrie Bradshaw. Without the excitement. And no Mr. Big in sight. Thanks for reading. I hope you got to laugh a little. I am laughing my backside off.

Fibro and other stories

How many of you have heard of Fibromyalgia? Chronic fatigue? Other invisible illnesses? How many of you have one? Today is May 12th, Fibro awareness day. I have some things to say about it. I'm sure those who read this blog aren't surprised.

I can't count how many times I've been told that my pain is all in my mind. I'm sure I'd be rich if I had a dime for every time it's been said. I've been told that all I need is to eat better. Or exercise more. Or sleep more.

I eat pretty good. I get my veggies, fiber, and other proper nutrients. I do eat a boat load of junk food but make sure I get my regular meals as well. I take vitamins. B-12, calcium, and a multi-vitamin for menopausal women. So, should that help? Of course it should.

I sleep around 8 hours a night. Sound like plenty? It's not a sound sleep. Without meds it's a restless, wakeful sleep. I've had sleep studies done. The only thing found was my REM cycle was twice as long as it should be. I hear a lot of people complain of being "tired." How tired are you? Is it just because you only slept 4-5 hours? Or is it bone deep? Like you haven't slept in weeks? That's how my tired feels. It's like I ran a marathon and haven't been able to sleep in days.

So my fatigue is a bit different than yours. I keep active even with the fatigue. Some people think I'm lazy. Yesterday? I was up at 5 AM. Cleaned my room, fed the dogs, took my dog for a walk, did laundry, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the kitchen, ran errands with my uncle, potted a couple of plants, tried to nap, got back up and helped with the yard, and vacuumed the whole house, swept the kitchen, and more. Still think I'm lazy? It takes massive amounts of determination to do what I do.

Some days I can't get out of bed. Not won't, can't. At one point in my illness I was on 15 different medications. One to get up, one to keep my cholesterol down, several for pain, a couple to sleep, a couple for depression, and so much more. I couldn't afford them so now I'm on 4, one for depression, one for pain, a muscle relaxer, and something to help me sleep.

On top of all that I'm going through menopause. Hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, and more. Still think I'm lazy? Still think It's all in my head? I'm not lazy and it's not all in my head.

I also have arthritis. That can be seen in x-rays and other tests. My joints swell. They get hot. They ache like a rotten tooth all the time. Still think I'm a wuss? Still think I should get a job? Still think I'm lazy? If you do than I feel sorry for you.

I should also mention the fog. I can't remember things. Sometimes it's something as simple as what I had for breakfast. Other times it's entire sections of my life. Sometimes I can't remember how to spell something simple. Or a movie that I just watched. Or birthdays. You say that everybody does that. Yes they do. But not on an epic scale like someone with fibro does.

Fibromyalgia is an invisible illness. One that doctors are recognizing more and more. Research is being done. But not enough. Hell we can't cure the common cold so I don't figure we'll find a cure in my lifetime. And with the zombie apocalypse coming I'm sure they won't find a cure in my kids lifetime. Ha ha.

Yes, I've kept my sense of humor. Without it I may as well lay down and die. But I'm stubborn. On a daily basis I fight with myself because part of me wants to give up. But another part of me wants to do more than survive. It wants to thrive. It wants to enjoy life. It wants to be more than just fatigue and pain.

So there it is. The things I don't want people to know. The things I don't want to define me. But they do. They've helped make me who I am. Survival is great. But I want to do more than survive. So I laugh. I enjoy myself. I push myself beyond my limits. I hide my pain. I hide my fatigue. I do what needs done. I hope this explains to you what it's like to be in burning pain every day. 24/7/365. To live with fatigue that's bone deep and not cured by rest.

Thanks for reading. If you have questions or comments feel free to ask or tell me what you think.

I've been away...

This post may piss a few people off. But I'm writing it anyway. Be warned: may contain foul language.

When my mom died about 16 months ago, I came to see that life is short. We have to make it what we want it to be.

My head and my heart have been at war with each other for a few years. I've always been who and what others wanted me to be. Had kids, got married, worked hard, and generally was a people pleaser.

After mom died the war between head and heart became more pronounced. What I wanted and needed became urgent. I needed to be alone. I needed to do things my way.

I've hurt people with my recent decisions. It wasn't intentional. They believe I don't care. They believe I'm being selfish. And that I've never wanted them in my life. They're wrong.

I felt suffocated by my life. I needed room to change and grow. So I moved to Alabama to be with family that I haven't spent enough time with over the years. I filed for divorce. I'm looking for a car and an apartment. All for independence. All so I didn't lose my mind or myself.

I'm finally figuring out that I can't please everybody. And that I'm worth more to myself than I ever thought.

With all the drama from my kids, friends and people I considered family it's been hard. But even with the pain I feel, I'm happier than I have been in 25 years.

I'm living a quiet life filled with family, new friends, old friends, and being myself.

I'm accepted here. Even though I'm crude, unladylike, and a general pain in the ass. I'm enjoying that feeling. It's not something I've ever felt before. Even my own children don't accept me for who I am.

The kids want me to be the same woman I've always been. It's time for me to grow and change. They're old enough to understand that but don't want to. Everybody grows and changes. Not always in ways that others want them to.

I'm tired of fighting them. I want them to be happy for me. The same way I'm happy for them when they make an important change or decision. They've been disrespectful, mean, angry, hateful, and ugly to me. I forgive that because I love them.

But I'm not taking their shit anymore. I'm not going back to my husband. I'm not going back to being treated like I don't exist. I'm going to continue to find out what life has to offer. I don't need lectures. I don't need judgement. I need what everybody needs. Love, understanding and support.

If that's not possible from those I love the most than I have to move on. I didn't change my life just to hurt them. I changed it because I was hurting. I was unhappy. I want them to understand that my decision has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.

I want them to know how much I'm hurting because of their perception of my life. I need them to see that these changes are a good thing. I need them to see that I love them no matter what. If that fails then I will have to just keep loving them. And wanting them to be happy. And that I'm proud of them.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being here.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas. During the crazy that is the holiday, hold your kids tight for a moment. Cherish every moment you have with them. If you are with family today, step back and remember how much you love them. Hold each other close. If you don't have anyone today, you aren't alone. You have friends who love you. Including me. Merry Christmas.

Dear Katie,

Dear Katie,

When I found out I was pregnant with you, my first thought was that the doctors were wrong. I was never supposed to be able to have kids. You were a true miracle to me. You already know what kind of reaction I got from your dad.

He didn't understand how I was going to take care of you. I was young and wasn't sure myself how I was going to do it.

I didn't have any examples of how to be a good parent. I went on instinct. I'm guessing that I did a good job.

You have grown into a young woman that I'm very proud to say is my daughter. We had our share of rough spots, but we got through them.

I can't tell you how proud I am that you are my kid. Sometimes I wonder how I could have had anything to do with you becoming who you are. But I did.

You've never given me a days worry about drugs, alcohol or boys. You didn't always do well in school but I could live with that.

I've never regretted keeping you. Or the things I've had to go through to keep you. You hold the biggest part of my heart. I always feel good when you call to tell me you miss me. Or to share some part of your life with me.

You are my first born and the biggest reason I get up every day.

You make me proud every day. And now that you are an adult, I am happy to be able to say to people that you are my daughter and my friend. I love you. And I'm more proud of you than you can imagine. You really are the very best of me and your dad.

I've said it before, I love you.

Mommy

Thanksgiving...

I have much to be thankful for this year. I have family, friends, and love. I have the best kids.

It's weird though. It's my first Thanksgiving without my mom. I feel bereft today. It's the first time I'm not scurrying around cooking or getting ready to go help cook. I want to call my mom. But I know she won't answer the phone.

I knew today was going to be hard. It's also the first Thanksgiving without my father-in-law. I miss them both so much.

Especially my mom. She and I talked on the phone every day. She was my best friend. I could tell her anything. And she never judged me. A large piece of my heart is missing today.

I know I won't hear from the rest of my family. They have cut me loose without a thought. My uncle will call. You know from previous posts that he's my hero. But my siblings, step father, and cousin won't bother. My young niece will call.

But without my mom, I feel like I have no family. I'm adrift without her to anchor me.

I love you mom. I love you dad. I miss you both and hope you are happy and healthy where ever you are.

My posts

I think some of you are missing the point of my posts. I don't write this as a complaint or a plea for sympathy. It's a way to clear some of my emotions out of my head.

I am very grateful for the people I have in my life. I have a wonderful family that I've created. I have a very good life. Of course there is always something missing.

Something that makes me strive to be a better person.

I share a big part of my soul and who I am here. If you don't agree with what I say, that's okay. But please don't make light of my feelings. Because I'm entitled to them. They are mine. I claim them.

I have strong opinions. I have a gay daughter. For her it's not a lifestyle choice. It's a biological imperative. As long as my kids are happy, that's all I can ask for them.

Don't misunderstand how I see things. It's my view of the world. If you have to comment, please don't use the comments to try and change my views or feelings. And don't comment just to try and make me feel bad.

I don't apologize for my feelings or opinions. They are part of who and what I am.

Thanks for reading.